


Obsession

by Icedaddys_icebaby



Category: bts
Genre: Alcohol, Angst, Comfort, Dependacy, Depression, Drugs, F/M, Hurt, Insecurity, Intimacy, Manipulation, Mental Abuse, Obsession, Oral, Sexual Themes, Suicide Attempt, Suicide mention, Therapy, mental health, penitration, sexual acts, slowburn, very shitty characters learning to not be shitty
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-09-20
Updated: 2019-10-12
Packaged: 2020-10-24 12:55:59
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 13,259
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20706353
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Icedaddys_icebaby/pseuds/Icedaddys_icebaby
Summary: Obsession: a persistent disturbing preoccupation with an often unreasonable idea or feeling.Dependency: a psychological condition or a relationship in which a person is controlled or manipulated by another who is affected with a pathological condition (such as an addiction to alcohol or heroin)What happens when you’re both so grossly obsessed and dependent on another? A reaction not even neutron stars can compare to





	1. Is This Allowed?

**Author's Note:**

> I have a bias you guys! And yes he will be mostly used as a x reader  
This is the start of a series of TaeTae stories I have planned. Part one (which is obsession) will be 4-5 parts.

Obsession 

chapter 1

Is This Allowed?

I was speaking to him about a few chores I needed done while away, the yard, some lights hung, him to finally finish my damn kitchen. It was only the backsplash, the contractors did all the heavy lifting like the new slate countertops and sleek, temperature controlled wood floors, the fridge, landscaping, the bathrooms. All he needed to do was the backsplash, the naked lights on the back patio, and mow the lawn. Three tasks in four weeks. I’d be back in four weeks I told him as I packed, moving from bedroom to closet to bathroom. My shiny all white marble bathroom with a big jet tub and walk in shower encased in glass trimmed with silver. The crystal blue, white, and clear tile of my shower matched the slashes of color in the marble countertops. Four weeks for three tasks. He would do them no problem. Just have to remind the world’s most forgetful boy to do them. Which meant reminders till I got on and off the plane. 

It wasn’t his fault. He’s drained. He only just retired not two months before getting the house and there was no down time between packing up both of our places (mine being in America) starting a slow painful move to our new home in Vancouver. As I said the movers and contractors did almost everything but paint and smaller things Tae and I wanted to do together. We had always dreamed of a home in Canada overlooking the city and mountains and now that we have it we wanted to truly make it our own. 

The studio was standard with both our equipment in it. Black. Nothing special. But his studio he took pride in. He spent a month painting and repainting his art studio.  _ It has to inspire _ he’d say when I’d ask, sore wrists and all, how many times we’d have to strip and paint over and over. His smile was worth it when he finally picked the lightest pink for the walls and white for the trim and ceiling. There were paints and easels everywhere now, all over the pink walls and dark red floors. That’s how he wanted it. Our room however, I painted in a week.

Spacious with floor to wall windows for our balcony, everything dark. From the floors to the walls to the bedsheets, everything ranged from chromatic black to the deepest grey and richest crimsons. My wettest hgtv dream and stark contrast to my bathroom. Which I was currently in shoving makeup I would need into my carry on. It had gone silent in the house, Tae on his phone on the bed with Sooky, our cat. That’s how I left him anyways. I should’ve known by the calm breeze I could hear; Kim Taehyung was sleep. When I poke my head out of the bathroom to remind him of an event I needed him at, I was greeted by a sleepy yawn of Sooky curling up on his chest. She flops her head into his neck like I want to at that exact moment. When I get closer, my ears pick up a faint snore and purr from the respective party. 

I give Sooky a soft scratch furthering her snuggle to our man. Then I lay a kiss on Taehyung’s forehead, smoothing back teal locks. He hums but doesn’t wake. I continue packing like a church mouse for another hour. When I’m satisfied with a good two months worth of clothes, I start on dinner. Something light, steak salad, my stomach would be like the plane in turbulence the minute I’m on it. I season the steak and place it in the fridge to marinate and get started on a small loaf of bread. When it’s ready to pop in the oven (thank you bread maker) I hear my favorite chuckle.

“It’s even in your hair.” Chords of muscle wrap around my middle trapping me at the sink as I wash veggies. “Pillsbury dough boy.” Is all I get in an even tone.

“Haha. Are you hungry?” I return the energy given to me, he places a kiss on my clothed shoulder. He smells like fresh soap. His skin is a little damp too when I lay my lips to his forearm. When he doesn’t answer and only licks my throat, I swat him away. “Well I’m hungry.”

“And we’re eating…” he looks confused at the veggies and sniffs the air. “...cucumbers, tomatoes, seaweed and bread?”

I make my way back to the fridge and pull the meat and start a pan. “Salad.” I hear a sound of either dismissal or approval. I can’t tell when he doesn’t want me to. “I can make something else if you’d like?”

“I don’t hate salad but it’s not what I want” the eyeroll that accompanies the sentence has me giggling.

“After dinner you’ll get whatever dessert your heart desires.”

“Promise?” His tone changes. He sounds like a child being told if he brought home good grades we’d go to a Disney park. His eyes sparkle and grin lines deepen into his non smile. I hold up a pinky which he eagerly takes along with a cucumber slice.

“So, y/n. You’ll be gone…” he jumps onto the counter munching on the cucumbers I cut up because I know they’d never make it to the salad. The boy snacks when he’s not sleep.

“Four weeks.” I finished for him. “And some change. I have a gig at the end of November.”

“That’s where you need me?”

“Yes.”

He pulls his phone from his sweat pocket entering the information. “Day?” He filled out everything I told him on the shared calendar. “Alright, I’ll let the stylist know.”

My face twists. “I have an outfit in mind.” My teeth pull on my full lip. I had no idea how well the idea would be perceived.

“Just say it, emo, you want to be emo goth princess that night.” He scoffs like he always knew. “Fine.  _ You  _ let my stylist know.” He palms his hair. “Black?”

“If your want. I’ll be wearing my natural hair in twist outs.”

“With the little jewels?”

“Those are flat twists, no. The one from the wedding.”

Tae ponders a moment. I’m miffed he can’t remember what I looked like on our wedding day but sure as shit could show you the picture of us on the first day of grade school. He carried that in his wallet. Braces and fucked up edges and all. 

“You were a vision that day.” He’s quiet in his revelations. “I know you weren’t sure about growing your hair out but I can tell you.” The steak was resting by the time he boldly entangled himself back in me. “There better not be any fucking flowers in your hair this time. Three days we had to get them out. Three whole ass days.” I laugh and kiss his pouting cheek. “So many flowers, y/n, I might be traumatized.” His humor is still as dry as it was when we were kids. 

“You’ll be alright and I’m getting it professionally done. It will be my birthday anyways.” Tae nods in polite agreement. “I’ll have them take out the jewelry before we get home.” I push him back again the finish up dinner.

Tae groans sitting back on the counter. “You said that last time. And the time before that. And when I helped you take out the micro thingies. And when you want to wear a wig I-“

“I love you.”

“Oh you know I love you.” I lean over for a quick peck but he doesn’t let me leave just yet. Gently, tentatively, his hands touch either side of my face. I have to tilt my head back some to stare back into shimmer deep space irises. His hands go to the hair on the nape of my neck. “It’s been awhile since you’ve worn it down and however.”

“Oh so it’s messy now?”

“A little frizzy. It’s humid today.”

“Thank you for the weather via hair, husband.”

“You are very welcome Kim Taehyung’s wife.” My hands are on his thighs when he leans down further. “You really are a shapeshifter.” We break apart so I can laugh at the joke he told me when I first started my natural hair journey five years ago. “Other men must be jealous.”

“Of?”

“Me.”

“Oh.”

“Got the hottest wife on the planet. And I’m hot so there’s that. An eleven and a Will is what I’ll call us.” That made me laugh further till tears threatened to break. He pulls my face back to his and we kiss and giggle and chuckle and nuzzle noses. “Now can we please eat so I can eat you for several hours?” There’s no glint in his eye to indicate a joke. “I’ve been starved for two months.”

“You painted for one of those months.”

“And I would do it again but this time with you sucking my -“ I pop a cherry tomato in his mouth before it could get him in trouble then we sit and enjoy each other’s conversation over food. He clears and cleans all the dishes after.

When Tae joins me on the couch I have a glass of wine prepared. He takes mine for fun before pouring another glass.

“I’m treating you today.” He pushes his face to the side of mine. “Chocolate?”

“Are you asking for some or are you aware we have none?” Taehyung’s expression flattens as he finally drags my attention to the plate I didn’t notice he brought with him. “Chocolate and strawberries. You do care.” I fall into the throws of laughter once more but my husband doesn’t join me. He’s thinking something, and it’s far too hard by the looks of his face. Hard lines set into his forehead and corners of his mouth. “What?” I’m still laughing but only because I’m not sure what else to do.

“I’m going to miss the literal shit out of you.” My chest grows heavy at the sadness radiating off his person. I can think of nothing more than pulling him close enough to hear my heartbeat. I curled my fingers in his hair biting back overwhelming emotions. For three months almost, I haven’t had a single day without Taehyung. He would go out often and but always came home, claiming he absolutely could not sleep alone. That’s why I got Sooky. Maybe, I gathered, she could help him cope being alone most days. Or he could stay at any members house, they would understand. Even his best friend Seo-joon would absolutely understand and let him stay for four weeks. I couldn’t blame him. I got so used to his presence I was almost tempted to ask him to come with me. But he has music to write. Music he wants to write. My schedule is too busy with my work so I couldn’t imagine he’d get much work done. And he can’t paint on the road. 

“I’ll miss you, too.” Is all I can whisper when I feel a tiny sniffle from the man. “You’re too dependant.”

“My brain keeps saying four years.” My heart sinks and I mirror our position from the kitchen earlier. He’s still hurting. 

“It was hard on you, wasn’t it?” Tae’s lips meet mine in melancholy. “I’m sorry. Time really wasn’t on our side that time huh?” Small tears prick at my eyes as he kisses them away. We call it the blank period. A momentary hiccup in our childhood dream plan delayed by four years. He went into the military. Then I went to America. We left things like a black hole would. After all, every fight with us ended in a supernova. 

Once at six, we found till Tae had a broken nose and I had two stitches above my eyebrow. He called me a name and I retaliated with violence. Our parents separated us for weeks claiming it was for the best. But we both started to act out more without the other. Then we stopped acting completely when that didn’t work. Wouldn’t eat, sleep, nothing. Over the years we got better. Only ever arguing. We would take time apart even as friends in high school. I get a boyfriend for a week and he’d and Jimin would glare at whichever jock I put on my arm. Jimin hated me a lot for that. So when the fight happened… it was no surprise it was Jimin calling me to yell.

_ “What the fuck did you do, foul woman.” _

_ “Excuse… Jimin? You startled me what is it?” I was still hiccuping and crying. It had been a month since I’d spoken to Tae. And it was the worst month of my life.  _

_ “Yea what the fuck did you do to him.” _

_ I bursted into a thousand pieces. Heavy sobs racked through our apartment… my apartment. He made it very clear he doesn’t live here. _

_ “Y/n?” Jimin is yelling from the floor but I can’t stop my heaving enough to explain. The line goes quiet and I fall deeper into my own biting thoughts. I didn’t do anything, I thought, I have been the perfect best friend to him for as long as I can remember. I didn’t deserve to have my heart shattered and esteem squished. And he was blaming me on top of everything? Sob after sob until my lungs and cheeks burned, till it felt my heart had left, till I could crawl into bed and pathetically whimper my existence away.  _

I looked back down at Tae. We’ve grown so much from the past. He is less dependant, I’m less careless with my words. We were still healing. Apart and together. And this four weeks will only help. We were getting too dependant again. 

“You had a hard time too.” He whispers. “I’m so sorry I said-“

“Not now Tae.” I kiss him until I’m sure. I’m sure he’s the one. This isn’t some fantasy the kid in me is forcing on either of us. He’s willing to try again. I’m willing to be vulnerable again. That’s all we needed sometimes. It’s what I wish we had years ago.

_ “Jimin gave me your address…” he looks out of place toeing at the welcome mat at my door. “I see I should have called first.” He’s looking over my shoulder at the roommate I didn’t want to reveal was my roommate. Anything to make him go away for good. _

_ “What do you want, Kim Taehyung.” I tried to put up the walls I spent three years building but the minute the puppy dog brown eyes force my gaze to him I can’t. I don’t have it in me to hold any sort of grudge. But I can be petty. He’s still a jerk. _

_ “To talk?” My roommate is asking who is at the door and if it’s pizza. I shoot back a ’no dear’ confusing all three of us. I turn and beg him to go along with my “masterful” plan knowing he’d want some questions answered later when gets up to put his arm around my waist.  _

_ “About?” Tae looks between us, fidgety. _

_ “About what happened between us.” _

_ “I moved on.” _

_ “You’re Alex right? The roommate? I get that you’re sticking up for Y/n but it’s incredibly important I speak with her.” Jimin. Even while being a frienemy he’s still the enemy. Alex waits till I nod to go to his room not before saying “I ain afraid of The army I’ll punch you.” That makes both Tae and I laugh surprisingly. Good to know his humor is still stale. _

_ “What do you want, Mr. Kim.” He recoils at my formality. It’s been awhile since I’ve had to use Korean. I cut all ties that aren’t my family or Jimin in Korea. I lived in Sacramento away from everyone and everything. I met Alex on the set of a new movie I was taking part in. He had just moved himself and was looking for rooms or cheap housing. If it weren’t for the fact he reminded me so much of Jin, my partner in crime, I accepted him no rent. It was nice to have a genuine friend again who doesn’t want to fuck you. Speaking of.  _

_ One Kim Taehyung is measuring his words carefully. “You look we-“ _

_ “What do you want, Kim.” I knew it was rude. I knew it would hurt. But I can’t let him charm his way back in. He always did. He can’t this time I screamed at myself, he cannot take anymore residence in my still bleeding heart as dramatic as that sounds. There was only one person who could ever hurt me and he was standing at my door. For the first time in our relationship, I was going to put a stop to that pain. _

_ “You don’t want to talk?” _

_ “No.” _

_ “Why not?” _

_ “Don’t fuckin do this Kim Taehyung,” my voice raises and all the anger, sadness, dispare, all of it came tumbling out. It wasn’t a grudge. I was feeling these things towards myself. All the years of lies I just sat with. All the times we’ve hurt and never apologized, all the times I held something in to not cause trouble, all the worthless depression I built up alone for three years fell from my burgundy lips. Mascara trails down my cheeks I know it, my foundation will streak too. But I finally let it out. “DON'T pretend to care about me and my feelings. Do not come before me and charm me back into your life. You don’t get to do that after…” as quick as it came it left. None of the past matters anymore. We were toxic for each other bottom line. “After the last time,” i straighten my posture to breathe the last of that sentence. I feel drained and there’s no reason to play the blame game. When I tell him all this he grows beyond sheepish. _

_ “Jimin blames you himself.” _

_ “I know.” _

_ “I never blamed you.” _

_ “I know.” _

_ “I didn’t mean it.” _

_ “Didn’t you?” _

_ Tae goes still. He apologizes once more then excused himself. I close the door and tears pour from me. _

“I wish I wasn’t so stubborn in Sacramento.” Tae is pushing up my shirt, pulling it off completely then does the same for himself. His hands smoothed over my skin knowing where to touch to turn me on. He avoided those areas.

“You had every right.” His tone is empty but the emotion on his face tells me he’s not holding this against me. Pink fingernails drag from my cheek to the back of my neck to kiss me fully. Then we’re making out. His tongue explores my mouth with caution, his other hand finding mine to lace our fingers together. He lets go to pull away but it’s not for long, when he reaches for me it’s to settle me in his lap. His palms ghost over my thighs as he murmurs on my skin. The time for talking was over. We both weren’t too sure if the other was ready to open that bag of cats you could feel it, thick and heavy around us. So we spoke in a language I learned to speak just for him.

_ We stood in my room just staring at one another. He was about to become a trainee and I was off to school in Japan. We hadn’t spoken to one another since the day he found out he was accepted for idol work. Not because I was mad in anyway, I was beyond happy the late night dance classes and help he got was paying off. And Jimin was to go with him so how could I ever be upset? We hadn’t spoken because goodbyes terrify us as a unit. I still wasn’t over my mom running out on dad and I, with of all people, Tae’s mother. Our moms grew up together, made jokes often about a Vegas wedding. I could tell my mom was unhappy for a long time. She didn’t two it out on dad and I but she was never really home anyways. It still hurt like hell to find out Tae’s mom did the same. We were already best friends by that point so why not sure in mutual abandonment complexes. So it’s safe to say now we were at a standoff for who would broach this subject first. _

_ We didn’t. Or at least not for saying goodbye. _

_ “Take your shirt off.” His stubble demand has me gawking with yelling bubbling in my throat. _

_ “The hell you just sa- Kim Taehyung put your shirt back on.” I don’t mean to shriek, I’ve seen him shirtless countless times but this wasn’t correct. This was out of context.  _

_ “Do you trust me?” _

_ “Not as far as I can throw you.” _

_ “Y/n please.” _

_ “I do.” _

_ “Then please hear me out. Take your shirt off.”  _

_ Hesitantly I did as I was told, wrapping my arms self consciously around my small chest. Even in a bra I felt exposed. Tae picked up on that placing a hand on my cheek. ‘You’re okay,’ he soothes my worries, ‘you’re safe.’ His fingers slip to my waist to pull me closer till my nose bumps his. He’s maybe an inch or three taller. “I love you.” I’m not sure who said it. We were too close, I couldn’t differentiate who was me and where he began. Just us as a whole, complete and strange. I’ve never felt that before yet it’s all strangely familiar. My pulse drowns out all sounds of the house my dad rarely occupies. Someone says those three words more sure than the last. Then his lips crash into me. It’s sloppy, I’ve actually never even kissed someone. All those boyfriends for show and attention. None ever dared kiss me. And I bet none of them could kiss me like this. Messy and drool ridden as the matrimony is, it only takes me to nirvana. My back arches and he catches me before we both tumble to my bed, home on top of him. He pulls my thighs up till I straddle his hips. His hands comb through straight, thinning hair as he moans fully into my mouth. I grind down twice before he stops me. I think I’m doing it wrong at first till I look down at him. He’s red, panting, eyes squeezing, grip threatening to break skin. _

_ “I have no condoms.” He breathes. “Nor do I want sex, just stay with me like this for the night.” _

It became ritual. When he’d come visit or vice versa he entangles himself in me till we fall asleep the night before we leave. For the first three years that’s all we do. Shirtless intimacy like right now. Sometimes if we have enough reserve, we strip to underwear for more skin contact. He always said my skin was preferable than anyone else’s, it just felt like I was made to touch him. I felt the same.

“What time is the flight?”

“It’s late. We have all day tomorrow.”

“Then let me not rush.” That annoying boyish smirk I thought we left back in high school made its grand ten year late appearance. My body drew closer on instinct. “I want you. All of you. But not right now. Will you give yourself to me for the night?” He always asked, I’m never sure why. My answer never changes.

I leave him in suspense with a grin on my ‘thinking’ face. “What if I want more than that?”

“I’ll give it to you.”

“For however long I want?”

“Till the day you I take my last breath and beyond.”

“Even if I lost all my hair and my middle left toe?”

“I will go to bed if that’s what you want.”

“I love you.”

“And I’m in love with you.”

His puts his nose to mine. We sit a moment before he lays me back on the couch. Expert fingers hook into my shorts to slide them down my ankles. His lips leave mine when he begs me to look up at him. 

“How can I have you?” His eyes bore into me with large question marks when he asks. I hope my expression mirrors Tae’s.

Confused as I am I still say, “you already have all of me.” He shakes his head. 

Fingers curl on my thigh, creeping up. “How can I have you tonight.” It’s clear Taehyung is frustrated but with whom is unclear. “I want you to tell me if I need to stop.”

“Would why I need you-“

“Y/n… do you trust me?”

“Not as far as I can throw you.”

Tae growls then laughs in a way I haven’t heard since our mothers stepped out. I can’t help how bad I need to kiss him, I join him to laugh instead knowing he’d lean down for a tender peck. “You truly are my world.” Both hands rest on either side of my cheeks, Tae bends for another smooch. I kiss back and tell him I trust him. I always have there’s no point in stopping now, especially when how wet I’m growing just from eye contact alone. If that’s not fully given yourself to someone then I haven’t loved Tae a day in my life.

The process in which he finishes disrobing me takes too long in my mind, when I notice he still adorned his pants I’m tempted to tease back. Then he hits me. Not hard. But not soft. The jolt running from my ass to the rest of my body it new and very very welcomed.

“Oh. I definitely trust you.” Kim Taehyung could be a plethora of things with identities I’ve never even thought but one thing that remains constant is he absolutely hates hurting me.

_ “Spit in my mouth” _

_ “The fuck?” _

_ “I want you to spit in my mouth” _

_ “I’m not kinkshiming but how did you find out you were into this?” _

_ “You asked what I want. I want you to be rough with me for once. Pull my hair, smack my ass, he’ll smack my face. I don’t care, I just sometimes want rougher intimacy. Doesn’t even need to be sex. I just want that fifty shades torture.” _

_ “Terrible book and I understand but give me time to warm up to that. I’m afraid I’ll cry if I spank or slap you. I’m sure I would.” _

_ “It doesn’t need to be soon. Take your time.” _

That could have been over five months ago, it’s hard to remember with fingers pumping in and out at an excruciating pace. My back was fully arched into him begging for a release. Tae withdrawals them to tap against my lips. His eyes cross when I greedily suck myself from his index finger. Curses fill the room, my shorts and underwear discarded on the ground. Tae wants to taste me himself, holding my hips to the couch so I’m immobile. Long languid licks from my clit, inside of me, and back. My hands found purchase back in vivid locks, thighs pressed against his head. He takes me to the border of Nirvana multiple times, but he refuses release. I’m sobbing, begging, pleading. This way far too much, all the stimulation, alongside the way he looked at me. Like I was his possession. It unnerves me a bit.

Tenacious fingers enter me again before I could voice my opinions. I have to trust him for now. Only for now. If he does something I immediately dislike I’ll have him stop, I’ll have him stop that minute. 

“You’re overthinking.” My Tae is back with softness and adoration in his mahogany irises. “We can stop.”

“Indigo is my safe word.”

“Indigo it shall be.”

The Tae of my sensual dreams rolls his tongue against my throat, teeth sampling the skin. Goosebumps prickle from my toes up at the gentle suckling of my pulse. His addition of a third finger rips an orgasm so blinding from me. My throat feels raw and lungs afire. I’m begging for more yet I want to catch my breath yet I want him to fulfill me but again he could end here and I’d be alright. We’ve gone further and stopped, we’ve done less and stopped. All I had to do was say indigo.

I come down off my high for a second before blue tresses stick to the sweat of my stomach. Tae pushes me back to the ledge in an instant. Heat pools deep in my abdomen. Every lick is like a new sensation. I feel so fluid. This man was created for me.

“Y/n?” I look up at him. It’s not my Taehyung still. “Open your mouth for me? And stick your tongue out.” I do as I’m told. Tae takes me in and I suddenly feel the urge to cover myself. “Stop that.” I can’t help it. When he stares too long I get insecure, not because he makes me, but because there are millions of other women to choose from who are prettier with more curves and less damaging history. I can’t fathom he chooses me because we love each other all the time. Sometimes I think it’s just easier to be with the one adults told you to be with, someone you’re familiar with, someone destined by really shitty fate with even shittier timing. How can he love me all the time my brain refuses to believe it. Especially when he stares too long.

Tae’s fingers lace through mine. He’s back to my husband weighing words he knows will help yet not finding them instantly. “All the confidence in the world on the screen…” I’m not sure he’s talking to or at me. “You should believe the mirror.” I’m more lost than before and I know it shows. “Tired?”

“A bit. Indigo?” Tae presses lips to my forehead over, over, over, and over again. He holds me especially close that night. I don’t sleep. My mind was playing dangerous games where the loser was bound to be me. When I finally get to sleep, it’s not restful.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So I forgot drug and alcohol abuse as a warning so here is that warning

Beware of the Idles of March

_ Borderline personality disorder is a mental health disorder that impacts the way you think and feel about yourself and others, causing problems functioning in everyday life. It includes self-image issues, difficulty managing emotions and behavior, and a pattern of unstable relationships. _

  
  


_ Blank period _

I couldn’t do it, I couldn’t do the breakdowns, the growing sadness, the loneliness that filled every inch of me. No one told me breaking up with your not boyfriend would be so miserable. It had been a little over a month since Taehyung joined the military, and almost two since I last spoke to any member of the group. After The Fight it was much simpler to avoid and ignore their calls than answer any questions left unanswered by Tae. The second youngest nearly never shared his private relationship with them outside of Jimin maybe. That’s only because Jimin, his second favorite, knew beforehand. If we three didn’t go to school together, I’m sure Tae would keep it to himself. It’s no shock Jimin calls angry on a blocked line.

What the fuck did you do, foul woman.”

“Excuse… Jimin? You startled me what is it?” I was still hiccuping and crying. It had been a month since I’d spoken to Tae. And it was the worst month of my life. 

“Yea what the fuck did you do to Him.”

I bursted into a thousand pieces. Heavy sobs racked through our apartment… my apartment. He made it very clear he doesn’t live here.

“Y/n?” Jimin is yelling from the floor but I can’t stop my heaving enough to explain. The line goes quiet and I fall deeper into my own biting thoughts. _ I didn’t do anything _ , I sob, I have been the perfect best friend to him for as long as I can remember. I didn’t deserve to have my heart shattered and esteem squished. And he was blaming me on top of everything? Sob after sob until my lungs and cheeks burned, till it felt my heart had left, till I could crawl into bed and pathetically whimper my existence away. 

I spent most days off work inside tending to my reclusive father. The years of loneliness must’ve gotten to him too when he got home one night to drink himself to sleep. I wonder if he ever feels like I do, heavy and incomplete. I’ve tried asking a multitude of times only to be met with, “you’ll figure it out.” So much for parenting hands on. Even at twenty-four, my father stays out of my business and hair unless he needs something or suspects I need a hand to hold. I had been doing well hiding Taehyung and I’s complications, he never asked about the boy. I don’t even think he remembers the name of any BTS member for that matter. He called them ‘Those Boys’ more often than not. So it’s genuinely shocking when he says, “are you and the pink haired one not friends anymore?”

It registered he means Jimin. I’m watching music videos with tears in my eyes on my bed when Dad finds me. “We were hardly friends.”

Dad nods leaning against the door frame. “Did you and the other one break up?” Dad measures my reaction then says, “it didn’t hurt much with your mother.” I stop sniffling and he looks between me and my bed. I nod and pat the space beside me.

“You’re mom is an amazing woman. I’m sorry I never said that before. She always wanted what was best for you even if she couldn’t show it.” It’s been so long since I’ve seen Dad smile. It’s a weird calming mechanism almost instantly. My tears dry when he continues. “I wouldn’t say I loved her, love is a strong word, but I respected her, cared for her, and she gave me you. And you’re my whole world.” Growing up Dad would say that often, now that I’m older and he’s more or less absent, he says it only when he thinks I need it. “I haven’t been around much lately. And I know it’s been hard on you during the divorce. But I can’t imagine the pain that boy put you though. I can’t imagine the pain I put you through. I’ve never had my heartbroken in that way. I hope to never find out, no offense,” he throws me a quick grin that has me giggling like a five year old. “I have seen it, heartbreak that is. When Taehyung’s mom got married. She was in love. And watching another marry the one you love is shattering. I didn’t mind she didn’t love me, she didn’t mind I didn’t love her. And when your mother told me her plans I never hesitated to let her go. So here,” Dad hands me an envelope with my mother’s script all over it. “She wanted me to give this to you at fifteen but I’m glad I held out. It’ll hurt, kid, it’ll hurt a long time. If you two were meant to be you’ll know, and if this broke you of him entirely, that’s okay too. Feel what you need to.” Daddy let me cry into his chest for over an hour before letting me alone to read what my traitor mother wrote.

Dear, y/n

You hate me and that’s okay. It’s okay you hate me because I did something to you and your father and your best friend. I ruined four lives just to be happy. But most of all I ruined yours. 

I don’t expect you to understand or even want to. It’s okay if you resent me. I take full responsibility for the thoughts weighing on your mind right now.

I’m writing this because I never want you to settle. Don’t settle for anyone who doesn’t make your heart jump and teeth buzz. And there is no such thing as a true soulmate. You’ll meet many soulmates who give you the kind of love you need in that moment. Your dad was my best friend. He still is. He was the only one who knew I was gay. He will forever be my platonic love. But with Taehyung's mom… you’ll understand when you find them.

You were my greatest masterpiece and I’m sorry I couldn’t enrich any part of growth only stunting it.

When you find the one. You’ll know.

-mom

Balling up the letter I toss it in the trash with the envelope. Her new number is listed at the end in dad’s writing to confirm all she said but I didn’t care. I wasn’t upset for me. She ruined Taehyung’s life and my Dad’s. My dad refused to remarry and Taehyung’s Dad is off in Tokyo for his third honeymoon. And Tae… Tae wasn’t speaking to me so I don’t know how he’s feeling. I wish I could text him what my mom wrote. I wish I could vent out all the pent up frustrations of the years and have him say he gets it. He’s the only one who ever would.

I take the days slow. Dad helps a lot more now that I’ve opened up more. He still doesn’t ask, but he listens and that’s enough. The days crawl into years and before I know it, I’ve spent two years on my life sobbing over a boy who blames me for something  _ he _ said. Even told our friends it was my fault. That hardens my resolve. I have to get away from him and Korea. I have to find myself without Kim Taehyung’s aid. 

Breathing in, I promised myself no more tears. I scroll through my contacts before I reach the one of my potential agent. Jisoo reaches out years ago while I studied abroad. She told me I had true potential after a production of Wicked I had a part in. She gave me a card and told me to call her whenever I was out of school and ready to be a star. My dad did extensive background searches being a paralegal and all. When we vetted her enough I saved her number and promised to call when I was ready.

I was ready. I was ready to move on like my dad did. It was going to hurt, but pain is like a tide and I can’t be at high all the time. The moon would rise and I would stop drowning in the shallows. If Tae could do BTS I could do acting.

Jisoo lands me a roll in a day time drama filmed in California. It was the start of my career. From minor character to recurring to being called for my first movie, it took up to a year to finally feel… me again. I even got a roommate and a cat.

Alex is a good actor, could use some help with line memory, but he’s a good actor with even better potential. His laugh reminds me of Jin, his jokes too. He’s only twenty-two, shaggy brown hair, sunkissed skin, bright honey eyes. He’s like a puppy when I first meet him. And the further we get living together the more I start to realize just how good life with friends could be again.

I’m thrown for a loop when Jimin texts me to ask if I’m doing alright. When I respond I don’t expect a call.

“Y/n! It’s so nice to know you’re alive, I guess.” As pleasant as ever.

I sighed into the receiver not enjoying the conversation to come already. “May I help you?”

“Meet me for lunch.” It’s not a request.

“I don’t live in Korea.”

“I’m aware but I’m in California by chance. Meet me for lunch.”

“Who told you I was here?”

Jimin coughs something about my father and him becoming friends for a common reason. He gives nothing further unless I meet him for lunch. I tell Alex I’ll be away and meet at the designated meeting area.

A cute cafe patio with big purple umbrellas, tables that remind me of jail cells surrounded by four uncomfortable matching chairs. The breeze is kind and the sun kinder. The way the beams reflect off rose gold dry hair tells me Jimin picked this spot specifically for the sun as no shade protects his skin. Jimin likes to be seen.

“Park.” I measure him up when I approach. “So care to tell me why I’m being dragged away from my busy schedule?”

“Busy my ass.” His smile is too perfect. Too cocky. When the waitress places two drinks, one coffee one ice tea, she’s swooning over just how perfect the boy is. “I came by as a favor to Tae.”

My blood could house glaciers. “Why would he ever-“

“Don’t shoot the messenger.”

“I just barely like you. Why not send Jin or Joon?”

“You lost rights to nicknames. And because he knows they couldn’t tell you this they way you need to hear it.” I dip my head, I just wanted this over with. “He just wants you to know he’s sorry about whatever. He said he wants you to move on without him and live well.”

Something in me doesn’t want to hear this from anyone but Tae. “Tell him to say that himself. Coward.”

“You love him that much.” I’m caught off guard yet again. “See, that’s why I have a strong dislike for you. In high school it was so easy for you to forget about him but now it’s somehow different?”

“I was getting over him. I’m happy Jimin.”

“Are you, y/n? Or are you waiting for him to say the right words so you can give up your life and go running back?” Jimin’s eyes aren’t accusatory, they were soft, caring, full of worry. “Are you truly living, Y/n?”

“I’ll be going first now. Thank you for the tea.” Jimin shakes his head as I gather my things.

“At least you say goodbye that’s time.”

Jimin was made I never said goodbye? I’m stunned to a stand still. He’s mad… not because I miss Tae… but because I never told him goodbye? “You could have told us.” 

“How?”

“I don’t know but we would have been there for both of you. We love you just as much as Taehyung, Y/n.” Jimin was essentially being the spokesman of how BTS felt about my flight skills. And it only served to further the growing hole.

“I’m sorry.”

“Don’t apologize. You have a weird grieving process to me, is all. But you don’t have to be alone.” 

Jimin has always been around. He may not always like me but he tolerated me enough to willingly hang out without Tae. We weren’t friends for our sake, more like divorcees who are cordial in front of the kids. I wouldn’t even go to say Jimin is closer to me than Jin, although I knew next to nothing about Jin other than surface things. I knew Jimin much more personally. It’s shameful how I notice that several years out of school. 

“You must’ve had a hard time, huh Jimmie?”

“Don’t start that Jimmie shit again I hated that as kids.” 

“I missed you too. In a way.”

“Who said I missed you?”

“Call me if you’re in town again?”

“Won’t promise.”

Except he does. Every time he’s in town he calls and we sit at the jail table with uncomfortable chairs and no shade. Coffee and iced tea. Once a month to twice a month to every other week. I was starting to think he was living here as well till a month goes by without seeing him. He calls. I don’t always answer still, Jimmie gets that, but he calls. I try to keep him at arm's length. I couldn’t afford to grow attached to yet another human who could leave at any moment. Even as friends. I was too terrified of what could be, I never think about what is; and what is at the moment, was Jimin extending his friendship again. If he was willing to try again so was I.

To celebrate my walls falling to Park Jimin, we held a sleepover. Him and Alex got along better than I thought they would, sharing a lot of the same tastes. It blew my mind at how comfortable Jimin got in my life I forgot he was still first and foremost Taehyung’s friend. That comes to pass another year living in Sacramento. 

I had been in the middle of filming a new movie without Alex who was working on his own script. We had ordered pizza as I helped him with lines that would work well for his scene climax. It’s about a boy and a dog with the power to travel through time. So far it was one of the best scripts I’ve had the pleasure of reading let alone coauthor. The doorbell rings in time to my growling stomach.

“It knows.” Alex jokes, “‘feed me Seymour’.” We fall into laughing fits as I get up to answer the pizza guy. Except pizza men shouldn’t be this beautiful? Nor should they be without pizza. Nor should they be Kim Taehyung

“Jimin gave me your address…” he looks out of place toeing at the welcome mat at my door. “I see I should have called first.” He’s looking over my shoulder at the roommate I didn’t want to reveal was my roommate. Anything to make him go away for good.

“What do you want, Kim Taehyung.” I tried to put up the walls I spent three years building but the minute the puppy dog brown eyes force my gaze to him I can’t. I don’t have it in me to hold any sort of grudge. But I can be petty. He’s still a jerk.

“To talk?” My roommate is asking who is at the door and if it’s pizza. I shoot back a ’no dear’ confusing all three of us. I turn and beg him to go along with my “masterful” plan knowing he’d want some questions answered later when gets up to put his arm around my waist. 

“About?” Tae looks between us, fidgety.

“About what happened between us.”

“I moved on.”

“You’re Alex right? The roommate? I get that you’re sticking up for Y/n but it’s incredibly important I speak with her.” Jimin. Even while being a frienemy he’s still the enemy. Alex waits till I nod to go to his room not before saying “I ain afraid of The army I’ll punch you.” That makes both Tae and I laugh surprisingly. Good to know his humor is still stale.

“What do you want, Mr. Kim.” He recoils at my formality. It’s been awhile since I’ve had to use Korean. I cut all ties that aren’t my family or Jimin in Korea. I lived in Sacramento away from everyone and everything. I met Alex on the set of a new movie I was taking part in. He had just moved himself and was looking for rooms or cheap housing. If it weren’t for the fact he reminded me so much of Jin, my partner in crime, I accepted him no rent. It was nice to have a genuine friend again who doesn’t want to fuck you. Speaking of. 

One Kim Taehyung is measuring his words carefully. “You look we-“

“What do you want, Kim.” I knew it was rude. I knew it would hurt. But I can’t let him charm his way back in. He always did. He can’t this time I screamed at myself, he cannot take anymore residence in my still bleeding heart as dramatic as that sounds. There was only one person who could ever hurt me and he was standing at my door. For the first time in our relationship, I was going to put a stop to that pain.

“You don’t want to talk?”

“No.”

“Why not?”

“Don’t fuckin do this Kim Taehyung,” my voice raises and all the anger, sadness, dispare, all of it came tumbling out. It wasn’t a grudge. I was feeling these things towards myself. All the years of lies I just sat with. All the times we’ve hurt and never apologized, all the times I held something in to not cause trouble, all the worthless depression I built up alone for three years fell from my burgundy lips. Mascara trails down my cheeks I know it, my foundation will streak too. But I finally let it out. “DON'T pretend to care about me and my feelings. Do not come before me and charm me back into your life. You don’t get to do that after…” as quick as it came it left. None of the past matters anymore. We were toxic for each other bottom line. “After the last time,” i straighten my posture to breathe the last of that sentence. I feel drained and there’s no reason to play the blame game. When I tell him all this he grows beyond sheepish.

“Jimin blames you himself.”

“I know.”

“I never blamed you.”

“I know.”

“I didn’t mean it.”

“Didn’t you?”

Tae goes still. He apologizes once more then excused himself. I close the door and tears pour from me. Alex scopes me up to place me on the couch.

“So that’s Taehyung?” I don’t respond to his wondering eyes or questions the rest of the night, I just curl into a ball and let the year of repression fall from my chest. I quit filming for the time being, being depressed and trying to lead a neurotypical life can have harsh effects on the mind, or that’s what Marie my therapist says. I believe her at this point halfway through a bottle of tequila I never even wanted. I can’t find any sort of happiness in my life for a month. Till I do. 

I wake to Dad reading a book I remember from childhood. He looks very sad, fingering the pages fondly. Briefly I wonder if he’s thinking of Mom reliving when we were a happy family. 

“I never had to worry about you, kid,” he starts, quickly losing the words I needed. “How was your nap?”

“Nap?” Dad gestures around us to the blaring white room of a hospital suit. Beeping machines make themselves known as the needles in my arms start pinching uncomfortably. “What am I doing here?”

“An overdose. Who knew alcohol would try to kill you.” Dad is laughing away any sort of worry I had strangely. “I should have worried more, huh?” My heart, already in tatters, can’t hold this conversation.

“I’m so sorry.”

“Don’t apologize. I heard from the Jimin boy you had a run in with the other boy and it wasn’t good. Wasn’t he the one who said for you to let go?” Dad, while sad his only child was just shy of death of their own accord, still spoke with ease as if he were discussing the weather. “Don’t do it again. That’s all I ask. If life is getting to you, come to me next time.” I nod through tears and cottonmouth. I don’t remember this. I was halfway through a tequila bottle and now I’m in a hospital room trying to convince Dad I wasn’t suicidal. Just outstandingly depressed. 

A six week stay at an inpatient therapy facility. After spilling my insides to the psychiatrist on hand he gently places a hand on top of my shaking one.

“You’ll be taken care of here. I promise, y/LN. You're not alone.”

My time there was constructive. I got on a set of pills that helped a bit, found things to cope with. I still felt empty, however, so I expressed that on my last day there.

“How do you feel about release day?” My doctor asks. 

“Good. Although,” what do I say? I’m excited to leave but I’m afraid that this crushing weight will consume me till I feel like I did die. Maybe some part of me did, never to be resurrected. A piece of me that will forever belong to Tae. “What’s wrong with me? I can’t sleep, eat, or even shit without him coming to my mind. It… it hurts to know I did my best and it was and will never be good enough. I can’t drink him away, I can’t medicate him away, I can’t get peace.”

The doctor nods a bit, writing down whatever. “I understand. You are very codependent. And we should break you if that habit, but it won’t always work. People with your condition have a hard time grasping that not everything is their fault. It’s hard not to focus on the bad in your life when the bad is laced so heavily from childhood to now. Your mother leaving definitely arose cognitive dysfunction. That’s something you have to consistently work on. And you may stay here if you think it’ll help.”

So I do. I stay an extra ten weeks working closely with various therapies and people. When I’m released to my Dad I feel significantly better about life. Instead of personalizing everything, I should write it down and burn it. If I have nasty thoughts about myself, write them down, reread, and set that bitch on fire. There’s nothing wrong with me in the sense of being unlovable. I had mental illnesses that told me I was unloved and hard to care for, a brain that absolutely hated me for shit out of my control. Understanding my mental illness was the first step to healing. I was going to be okay 


	3. Atmosphere

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know I’m late

Atmosphere 

Depression (major depressive disorder or clinical depression) is a common but serious mood disorder. It causes severe symptoms that affect how you feel, think, and handle daily activities, such as sleeping, eating, or working.

_ The fight _

_ Taehyung pov  _

I text y/n at least forty-seven minutes ago. Not that I was counting, I just happened to look at the time stamp in relation to the current time. I’d be off to the military soon and the fact she was avoiding my calls wasn’t very welcomed. I get it, I’m terrible at goodbyes, she’s worse, but I’m still her best friend. She should want to see me off. I text once more just to see if maybe she got some free time. She was in Busan for a small project with film buddies. But y/n never just outright ignored me. It took all of me not to go to Busan to see if she was breathing.

Two days before I leave… still no answer. Now I’m beyond mad. My anxiety reached peaks that left me throwing up and sick most of the time, when my head isn’t in a toilet bowl I’m trying to call her. I even tried her Dad’s house, if he hadn’t heard from her either then she must be dead my brain rationalized to my horror; only to lead to another trip to the bathroom. All my efforts are paid off when nails dig at my back.

“I’m home. Are you okay?” Her voice sounds so fake sweet if I wasn’t already puking I’d start. “Taehyung?”

“Where have you been?” I don’t have the strength to get up, so I sit against the nearest wall slapping away her attempts to help. “I called and called.”

Her smile only serves to piss me off further. “Had to make a grand entrance, TaeTae.”

Before I could stop myself, I knew she was joking with me, I’m snapping back. “This isn’t a fucking game y/n! I was worried.”

Y/n is taken aback by my tone. I never yell at her.”if you must know… I left my phone on the bus. I called you from a friends phone but you never responded nor is your voicemail set up. Relax will you.”

I should. I absolutely should relax and what she says makes sense, I’ve been focused on her call anyone else’s got ignored. But I’m on ten already. About to be eleven if she doesn’t take me seriously with my next sentence. “Relax?! Y/n I’m sick because I’ve been so worried about you.”

Y/n sucks her teeth in annoyance, “you’re not my boyfriend, Kim. If I don’t want to answer sometimes I should have that right but I left my phone on the bus. It should’ve been mailed here if you don’t believe me. Sometimes we need space from one another.”

That stung. We lived together, slept together, shared meals, secrets, intimacy. “So you used me?”

“What?”

“All the sex, dates, time spent, all of it, it was what? Because you felt bad your mom ruined my life?” It’s out before I can catch myself. Both our moms are to blame I know that as well as she does. The tears falling from those starless night sky eyes down sepia cheeks. I want nothing more than to kiss them away. Take back immediately what was said. But I kept adding to flame, I couldn’t stop no matter how badly I begged my head to. “Is that why you spent so much time with BTS? So you could use me to get closer to another member?”

“Hey, Taehyung.”

I barrel on, “was I really just a fucking toy to you? Do you know how much I worship the fuckin ground you walk on? Would you like me to lie down so u can use me as a rug too?”

“Kim Taehyung.”

“I’m sick and tired of being your plaything, y/n.” A power within lifts me from the ground. I start to collect things I would need immediately. 

“What are you doing?” The tears were more abundant and her voice raw from emotion.

“Giving you all the space you could ever fuckin need, Y/n. I’m done.”

“Taehyung.” I cant pause as look at her, all the anger will build up again, I just continue to throw things into my unpacked suitcases.

She’s pleading with me when I’m finally at the door, she doesn’t follow me as I take two rollers at a time to my car. A scene is the last thing she’d want. I’m content with that. When I come for the last two, y/n is in the kitchen. I can’t see her, but I hear her clattering around for something probably blindly due to tears. Her sobs sound like someone she cherished died in an awful way. I feel nothing even though it’s so loud and pathetic, I feel even less when I see the knife she’s brandishing on her wrist.

“If you go, I’ll hurt myself.” Well this was a turn of events I was not yet equipped for, “if you leave now I will fucking kill myself.”

“If I stay,” I approach slowly, she means no harm. She’s desperate. Another person she loves is leaving her by herself again. I know why. I just don’t care right now. “If I stay.” I remove the knife from her light grip, placing it on the counter. “If I stay we will only hurt one another more,” I was never one for rational thought In stressful environments, but it seemed like the right thing to say. “If I stay here with you, come back home to you, we’ll only kill each other. Look at you.” 

Y/n had entered mute mode, one of the worst coping mechanisms for us. We thrive on communication once. “You had so much to say earlier. But you know I’m right.” I lift her into my arms one last time, placing her on the couch one last time. I glare into her skull because she refused to look at me for the very last time. “I have to go.”

“You’re not a toy.”

“I know.”

“I never used you.”

“Didn’t you?” Her eyes flicker before casting down again. “I used you too.”

“I love you.” I know I shouldn’t, but I won’t see her again, not until we’re ready. It’ll be years before then, if she can allow me this one kiss, I’ll take it. 

“I love you too.” It’s empty coming from me, I’ve never loved a damn thing in my life. I might’ve felt something akin to love with y/n but this isn’t love.  _ This  _ could never be love. Not if I stay. That’s why I kiss her. I kiss her because I know this will be the last time I do it for her sake, the last time I take back seat to her irrational actions. I don’t love her, I never did. And I’m afraid she’ll find out. So I let her live here, in the land of make believe, forever holding on to love never given. 

I twist my fingers in her curls backing her into the fridge. This feels wrong. This has always felt wrong. When I’m with her nothing makes sense, nothing tastes good, nothing sounds melodic. Funny, I heard love was shrouded in colors of a symphony. She moans into my mouth as she grinds against me. I should stop. I should yet I don’t and when she drops to her knees to take me to nirvana, I can do nothing. I want this just as bad as y/n so I hoist her on the counter pressing fingers passed her dress and into her. Her head falls back into the cabinets while she desperately clings to my shoulders. I’m in her soon, it’s an instant release for us both.

I leave shortly after, calling her father to check on her. I leave in two days, I have a lot to do before then. Like drink myself absolutely silly and a song or two. I try to stave off the bottle till after recording sessions however, small swings of the blue flask Y/n got me years ago find my lips in between takes. If anyone notices, they leave it alone, chalking it up to military stress. I don’t tell them otherwise. They may start hating me and asking questions. Questions I don’t know if I have the right answers to. Jimin is the only one who suspects y/n but I tell him it’s what the other members said it was. I knew how he got with my best friend, love/hate shrouded everything they did. He pointedly asks seconds from me getting on the plane.

“What did the nasty woman say?” It used to irk me when he did that, call her names, that’s between them, however.

I shrug, not ready to admit to my part. “We both said some things in hate and anger and frustration. Leave it alone.” Jimin prods no further. I wish him the best as he did for me and hug him, somehow all the emotions I kept at bay dissolve. Sometimes you just need a good hug.

“Could you do this for y/n?” My closest friend looks behooved. “Hug her?”

“Absolutely not.”

“Thanks. She’ll need a friend. I love you.”

“No you don’t.” Babyface rolls his green contact eyes. “If you loved me you wouldn’t ask me to fraternize with common folk.” We hug again then I’m off. Two years would go by before I know it, y/n and I could do this we’ve been through worse weather. We’d just have to go at it separately for the first time in twenty-two years.

“Can you tell her something as well?”

“Get on your plane, pretty boy.”

“Tell her I said let me go? Live well and move on, become a great actress win awards and just forget about me. Tell her… I’m sorry.” Jimin rises a perfect eyebrow. There’s an unspoken conversation as to why I should apologize if it’s her fault yet he knows it’s not her fault we just can’t admit that right now.

It’s not till I’m back that I find out y/n skipped out to America for better film opportunities. Even as I told myself it’s for the best I’ve entered mania. Or that’s what my doctor calls it. Upon coming back I also found a therapist to work on myself better. Slow progress is still progress I continue to rationalize, purchasing plane tickets to New York. I’ve moved in with Jimin for the time being; still hard to live and sleep alone. When I tell him my elaborate plan he just groans throwing a spoon at my head. 

“What the hell, Babyface?” He doesn’t look up from his own work just carries on ignoring me. “Park.”

“She doesn’t live in New York, dumbass.”

“No? She was filming…”

“Filming doesn’t mean living. She lives in Sacramento with a roommate.” 

“Roommate?” I’m bewitched myself, Y/n had a hard time living with others myself included. Sure she was clingy, codependent as hell, lonelier as all fuck. Y/n might be all those things however she shuts down and needs a lot of alone time. I haven’t told Jimmie ‘cause I know how he’d take it, we slept in different rooms, the majority of the time or one us would be away for work. Only time we sleep in the same bed is when we needed each other. I hated that. 

“He’s like… Jin.” He? So she had moved on? I doubt he’s her boyfriend he could just be another one of her toys, she had so many. We weren’t dating it just felt like it. As my friend expanded on how they met it occurs to me we really weren’t dating and I was an asshole. “If you want to see her that bad I’ll give you the address, I just don’t think it’s a good idea.”

“I appreciate you protecting…”

“Not you.” Jimin interrupts. “What you said was awful and we’ll talk about it when I’m ready. You hurt her more than you can imagine. Better yet, go so she can tell you to fuck off and we’ll both be rid of her. She’s living a good life Taehyung, do you want to ruin that for closure?”

I think about his words while I slowly pack. No, I don’t  _ want _ to ruin her life I just want to see her. I miss her more than words can express it’s starting to affect my mental. Whenever someone would bring y/n up I get this strange, almost painful pull in my chest. I don’t quite understand it myself but I absolutely needed to see her, touch her, entangle myself in her entire being. I know that’s a little much, it’s just how she makes me feel even after three years. Not a day goes by when I don’t think of her out of a moment we shared. No time to think, time to just get on a plane and do.

*

Y/n doesn’t live in a big house, a simple one story on a hill not too high sorta overlooking the city with floor to windows. That’s all I can see from my place at the front door as she won’t let me in. Fair.

“What do you want, Kim Taehyung?” Y/n was always so good at cold and distant it’s hard to believe we aren’t friends still. She looks good, genuinely good. She’s still curvy with a huge ass but now she has a chest to match and- wow I’m really failing before I begin.

“To talk?” My mouth is dry from my ogling, all the will I built up slowly chipping. Her roommate asks a muffled question but he’s not in eyeshot of the door. As a tan arm wrapped protectively around her it was like it was in direct relation to my anxiety doing the same to my throat.

Licorice irises roll to a close. “About?”

I toe at her cat themed welcome home mat rather than look into those cold eyes. “About what happened between us.”

“I moved on.” Y/n’s gaze flicks to the roommate and back. So she really is sleeping with this man. We had about the same build, loose brown curls, a nondescript tattoo hiding under his shirt sleeve. Her type; gorgeous.

“You’re Alex right,” my English isn’t grand but I do know how to say go the fuck away in the most American way. “The roommate? I get that you’re sticking up for Y/n but it’s incredibly important I speak with her.” Y/n’s nostrils flare like a bull in full charge. She dismissed the kid before taking a deep breath. 

“I’ll kick his ass, I ain’ afraid of no Army.” I just barely hold in the laughter which is good because I hear y/n’s twinkling chuckle. 

“What do you want, Mr. Kim?” I don’t lie that does sting a bit. We’ve been friends so long I just assumed she would never use her world class venom on me, I’ve only ever seen it used on enemies. Which I guess that’s why she used it.

“You look we-“ I start halfheartedly thanking good she interrupted me.

“What do you want,  _ Kim?”  _ I get the hint y/n. The pull in my chest hurts more today.

“You don’t want to talk?”

“No.”

“Why not?”

Y/n lays it on me, I assume she’d be waiting to release all the sadness and anger for when I eventually showed up at her door. My ears start ringing at a frequency that drowns her out. My vision is blurred and breathing slightly quicker. What is this? Bullshit, that’s what it was, fucking bullshit. I mean Jesus H Christ what the whole hell is going on? 

Cafes in America are really nice, this one had an outdoor patio on the roof with a leafy ceiling peppered with small naked lightbulbs. Everything smelled like warm basil and olive oil despite being advertised as a coffee joint. It was easy enough to order, the staff is friendly, and no one knows me here, not yet. I had some sense to remember a type of disguise and enjoy the autumn sun still toasty on the tail end of summer. They even served pizza who knew. I breathe in, I am okay. I exhale, I can do this. I hit the call icon my right index finger had been shaking over.

“Hello?”

“Mom.” I sound pathetic, like when I’d wake from a nightmare and seek out y/n immediately. I want to cry doing my very best to hold it together. “I followed a girl to Sacramento because I think I love her, I want to love her, I want to fix things but I don’t know how. I feel like everyday without her kills me more, I can’t eat, I can’t sleep, all I can do is think of how I fucked up in the worst ways. I miss her.” At the end of my tirade I am crying, not loudly, loose tears dripping off my nose as I hunch over.

“Where are you?” She doesn’t sound like my mother, not really. What do I know, haven’t seen her since I was sixteen. 

“Some rooftop bar.” It occurs to me that I actually have no idea where I am or how I got here. Panic crawls uncomfortably on my skin starting at my lower back. “I don’t know the name or streets.”

“Stay there.” She hangs up without a goodbye, just like a certain person I knew. 

I wait around eyeing the place. There are four dining areas in such a compact lot each unique in similar aesthetic. The one below was open air, lights strung low and dim, shrubs and ferns littering tastefully around tables. I don’t remember seeing the indoor portion of the ground floor leading me to suspect there’s one up here as well. My phone buzzes in my hand because I never placed it down. 

**What are you wearing ?**

I look around for her, not spotting anyone that fit the description I reply:  **white hat and sunglasses.**

The response was instant:  **K**

I ponder if all parents text like that, my dad did and when he’d answer my text, y/n’s dad too. We haven’t spoken since I left.

“Taehyung.” She’s a lot shorter than I remember, or is that just growing up you always think they’re taller than they are? Either way I had a good head over my mom. “I’m so sorry.” My height doesn’t stop my mother, however, she just reaches up to pull me down to her chest. It’s awkward and uncomfortable, I barely know this lady. That doesn’t stop me from hugging her back and just letting it out.

“Oh my Taehyung. You’ve must’ve had such a hard time.” Her words aren’t comforting but the hug is so I endure it. “Come. I already paid, come.” I follow numbly after.

Y/n’s mom is sitting in the driver's seat of their car when my mom goes over to speak for a moment before departing with an affectionate kiss. She asks for my keys and I search my pockets before finding them, handing them over. We follow the blue Camry awhile, I view the sights not really compartmentalizing what I saw. I wasn’t really thinking at all. Mother didn’t speak a word till we got to her townhome. She gives me a change of clothes and urges me into the guest room shower. 

“A hot shower always calms me down,” she claimed. I took her up on the offer, I still smelt like plane. After an estimated ten minutes I was an advocate for hot showers solve most things. I wash and rinse my hair with a light floral shampoo then scrub the matching conditioner into my scalp. This felt so nice I was almost sad when I shut off the water and step into a fluffy towel. The bathroom is nice, blue, white, and frosted glass tiles line the shower walls, slate sink countertops with flecks of glitter, white cabinets, white subway tile floors grouted with black.

I find mother at the helm of the kitchen, a familiar aroma taking me back to my childhood as we cooked and laughed together. Her and y/n’s mom are discussing lively of a show or movie they’d obviously seen together, joking and sipping wine. It was a scene out of a hallmark Christmas family movie. The lights of the spacious kitchen were low hanging exposed natural light l.e.d’s turned low the spotlights above the stove just a smidge brighter. It was as picturesque as my childhood, only she was smiling this time. Mother only tilts her lips upwards for me and my siblings or Y/n’s Mom so it comes as no surprise. It’s actually welcoming.

“What brought you here, Taehyung?” Ms. Y/n speaks, handing me a glass of whiskey, that’s all I remember the pair drinking. “Your mom told me the gist but…” she trails off to take me in, all of me, when her eyes soften that’s when I knew I looked as horrible as I felt. 

I didn’t know where to start so I just threw them the whole rant. “After you two ditched us, y/n went into this dependent spiral and I stopped having any sort of affection for anyone, we tried ‘dating’ but that was short lived because while we’re dependant we also can’t be in the same room for more than twenty minutes without wanting to rip each other’s throats out. I followed her all the way here after convincing Jimin to give me her address and rather than speak to me she all but said she hated me because I threw the you two ditching us in her face some five years ago and we’ve been like this since.” I’m crying before I realize it. “I told her… I told her I didn’t love her. I’m an idiot. She can say it so openly and willingly and I just can’t it’s too hard and too much. I miss her but I don’t know what I’m feeling aside from the crushing guilt and loneliness.”

Y/n’s mom holds me and I break. “She’s important to me I can’t and don’t want to lose her.” She strokes my hair, humming in acknowledgement. “I’m just so fucked up and so is she and we just… I don’t think it’ll ever be okay.” After five or so years of swallowing back emotions, denying myself release, it felt liberating to shove all my problems on the table. 

My mom speaks, placing spicy rice cake on the counter. “We were like that, weren’t we, dear?” I hear another sound of confirmation as I press harder into the hug. “So much so we married different people.” I heave out a sob trying to sniffle them back to listen. “Hell. We had kids with men we didn’t love just so we’d finally get over one another. But that’s not how this works. You can’t run from your feelings no matter how hard you try. You just don’t know how to cope.”

“Big talk from the mother of three who never calls.” I bite back.

“I call. My daughter speaks with me. You boys do not. I speak to your father almost everyday. That’s why you have my number.” My moms tone flattens at my malice, but a soft touch meets my shoulder, nails raking along my back. “Face reality. You can’t even distinguish your emotions to tell you absolutely love her you’re just broken and unwilling to get help.”

My body reacts as it always does, tossing itself further into my other mother to get away from the black widow. She wasn’t great at comforting, but she did speak in harsh truths and painful facts. Doesn’t mean I’ll like them. 

“Do you want to get better?”

“Yes!” I’m out the embrace and face deep in the snack prepared perfectly. “I hate feeling like this.” I say through mouthfuls and tears. “I want to be better”

“Then stay with us a year. See my therapist. And a psychiatrist. Allow me to redeem myself in your life so you feel less insecure about yourself and your relationships. Your dad hasn’t heard from you since you left for the military. You need family.”

I gulp my whiskey, chest rising and falling rapidly. She was right. I haven’t even spoken to my dear sister, who I couldn’t go a day without speaking to. I felt small and scolded. I was small… I was absolutely being scolded. 

“You can’t do it alone.” Y/n’s mother’s soft voice reasoned, soothing hand on my back. “You don’t have to.”

“What about y/n?” I fiddle with my fork. “She needs help too.”

“Don’t worry about her,” my mom starts but doesn’t finish. I stare her down as she rolls her eyes. “We are focusing on you. But If it helps, she’s going back to Korea next month. Her dad has her.”

That night as I lie in bed I toy with the idea of sending her a text when it hits me. I don’t have her number. Best I can do is send one to her dad in hopes he relays the message.

**Hello, mr. Y/LN, I’m texting you to tell you…** I erase it all.  **Can you tell y/n that I… ** erase.  **Take care of her… ** erase. There’s nothing I can say to fix this right now. I needed to fix myself first. And with comeback season approaching fast, I need to get my mind straighter than it is. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I have a big story coming this is just warm up but I swear I’m not trying to make it so trashy

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you for joining me today. I promise to go back and edit anything needed soon. Update every Thursday night!


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